Fictional Food For Feasting

oh look, a blog about food on thanksgiving how soothingly original. This one however will be about those foods i so desperately want to eat but cant because its as fake as stripper tits. In no order...

Reptar Bars!

We start with reptar bars from rugrats, the candy inspired by the godzilla knock off that turns your tongue green. What could the green stuff possibly be? Is it mint? or just some green dyed creame? Look how green it makes the tongue, aint no red up in that mouth, and its shaped like a dinosaur! even look at the pakaging on this ish 

 

that is some dedication. you know how many stupid babies id steal this candy from? None of them....because they have screw drivers and are evil. Speaking of evil cartoons from nickelodeon

Krabby Patties

no list of cartoon food would be complete with out the staple from bikkini bottum. What is the meat? is it fish which in turn is people. Is it actual crab. I have a theory, mr crabs can regenrate and hes cheap, the secret recipe IS mr krabbs. Mind=blown right. id still eat it.

Those Pies From The Movie Hook

 
You remember this scene from the cult Robin Willams movie about elderly Peter Pan? So they sit down to eat and....no god damn food, just imaginary. Robin fed up with the lost boys bullshit starts a pretend food fight and because imagination and pixie devil magic the fat kid gets a face full of icing. 

Its fantasy food! which means its not even bad for you, no carbs, no rotting of the teeth from eating a pie made out of just frosting. hell if you imagine hard enough that pie can probally fix lupus....if you had lupus....i guess.

Willy Wonka Flower Cup

 

child torture and candy, this is the magical world of michael jackson Willy wonka. Sure there is alot of candy you could pick here, from lickin wall paper to rivers of chocolate with fat germans kids floating in it. However its the cup wonka drinks from then eats, also you know if he eats it your not gonna turn into some mutant or fly away and burn up in the atmospehere or have johnny depp eye fuck the shit out of you while your doing eating 

well thats it for now, im gonna go eat food and drink instead of lazily attempting to entertain you. Hey what are some of your foods why not comment about it that'll be fun right?

BYE!

The (ex) Raven: The Ray Rice Story. (inspired by the poetry of edgar allan poe)

Once upon a midnight in Atlantic city, there was ray rice, with his bitty,
Over many a yells and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While ray nodded, nearly snapping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As he violently was grappling one not so gently grappling, grappling behind the elevator door.
`'Take dat,' he muttered, ` grappling behind the elevator door -
 " and this, and some more."

Ah, the nfl did something come early September,
  when they finally did remember , it doesn't look good when a girl is knocked out on the floor.
Eagerly they wished for a tomorrow; - where TMZ wouldn't let us borrow
  the video of ray rices sorrow - sorrow for the girl on the floor -
For the rare and radiant maiden whom was lying on the floor -
on the floor for evermore.

And the silken sad uncertain , ray wouldn't walk again through that purple curtain
Thrilled me - filled me with my fantasy stats like before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating
`'Tis some one else whom  grappled behind the elevator door  -
Some one else not on my fantasy team grappled behind the elevator door  ; -
This it is, and nothing more,'

Presently the press grew stronger; NFL hesitating then no longer,
`Sir,' they said, `you will receive no forgiveness this im sure;
But the fact is you were grappling, and that girl surely was not napping,
And so violently you two were grappling, grappled behind the elevator door ,
That I scarce was sure ' - the video would surface no more; -
Darkness there, and nothing more.

Deep into the internet peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before;
But the silence was unbroken, and the TMZ gave a token,
And the only word there spoken was "a raven no more!'
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the words "no more!"
Merely this and we were sure.

Back into the fantasy table mourning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a report somewhat louder than before.
`Surely,' said I, `surely my stats wont take a beating at such an increase;
Let me see then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore -
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore; -
'Tis then ill not win another fantasy game no more!'

Over here ray rice began to stutter, as the news came with a flutter,

there stepped a fired Raven, gone were his days of yore;

Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;

But, did he regret grappling behind the elevator door—

Perched upon a couch worth thousands—

Perched, and sat, and nothing more.

Then his ebony bride sat fancy into smiling,
By the grave and bleak situation that had occur,
`There rice sat craven, to once again be a raven.
if only he didn't grapple behind the elevator door -
That night at the Jersey shore!'
  you'll be a raven, `Nevermore.'

Much the media marveled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,
Though its answer little meaning - little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever should be laid out on the floor -
like a beast grappling behind the elevator door,
With such name as ray rice `Nevermore.'

But the raven, sitting lonely on his expensive couch, spoke only,
That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did out pour.
Nothing further then he uttered - not a "shit" did he sputter -
Till we could hear every one mutter, on my fantasy draft no more -
On the morrow he will leave me, as my hopes have flown before.'
he shall be on fantasy drafts, `Nevermore.'

Startled at the stillness broken, no reply for rice was spoken,
“Doubtless,” that an apology would be award
Caught doing some vulgar Disaster
 Followed fast and followed faster till his jersey was in no store—

Till the dirges of his Hope that wed forget began to sore

 Oh "we will like you" ‘Never—nevermore’.”

Doritos Loaded review

Doritos loaded from 7-11, a....chip....that is filled with gooey cheese. I mean would ya look at that thing! When i picked these up from my local convenience store i picked up extra napkins. I mean that is a substantial amount of cheese. Ok well....its not gonna look exactly like it does in the picture but i expect some cheese lava to escape.

The package says served hot& tasty. First off whats with the bag? I dont get the cool box shown in the picture. I mean look i get it im not gonna get whats in the picture, I've long accepted that, but god damn we're not even to the food its self and you already fuckin up? shiiit. (ahem, sorry ghetto fab attack) any way at this point in my adventure i still trusted sev and wide eyed and innocent i reached into my goody bag. 

...eh. I mean look its not any thing id spank it to but it doesn't look half bad either. You know if you're drunk and there is nothing else open at 4am this ish would look bomb tastic to you (seriously sorry). Well lets take a peak inside

so....does that look like a cheese lava to you? If i didnt tell you it was cheese would you have even guessed that. What the hell man, this is just a blatant lie. You didn't even fucking try to even make it look like there was cheese in there. This is false advertising, this is the cross dressing of snack foods, but not even the good kind of cross dressing where you can respect their makeup skill and ability to walk in high heels. NO this is the "try on your wife's evening gown and go to a truck stop with a pocket full of tranquilizers" cross dresser of snacks. ....well lets see what the cat thinks

fuckin NOPE.

It taste like some one chewed up a bunch of doritos, then spit it back out and formed it into a triangle then filled it with spoiled breast milk from a diseased lactating opossum.

AND ITS REALLY REALLY HARD TO BITE INTO! FUCKIN TEETH DUDE!

in the end i would not recommend this, unless you are already missing teeth from a biking accident and are getting new ones put in. Then i guess go nuts.

My highschool party experience. Part 1

Poser ass bitch is such a harsh term. I prefer " indecisive asshole" if you must. Looking back at my highschool years i can't really say i had a group. Every few months id find myself at some new lunch table, in some new clique, but id never subscribe to their bullshit. It would always seem that just as quickly as i appeared id vanish back into oblivion where id find another group to call friends for a few weeks. This wasn't the ideal way to spend ones glory years but fuck....worked for me and the pro to this was, i got to experience every cliques version of "the house party".


the band geek party. 

location: Parents house, but their folks are gonna be home at like seriously 2 so ya know....super late but every one has to be gone by then.

start time: 4:00, soon as schools done head over, but seriously every one has to be long gone by 2.

end time: 10, my parents are gonna be home at 2......

food: Some one brought rice krispie treats. If there was a fucking rice famine there would still be rice krispie treats.  

decorations: There will be a room with a black light.

drug of choice: HA

drink of choice: There is nothing in the house lets all walk to fucking wawa like a big giant parade of virginity.  

the main thing going on at this party?: FINGER BANGING. all over the place. gotta build up that dexterity.

overall experience: I wasn't kidding about the finger banging. theres no booze, no drugs, but god damned if there isnt a shit ton of girls with blankets on their laps with some tuba players arm under neath and no matter how common place this becomes we all talk about it like we just saw hardcore porn. If you are lucky enough to reach third base (in tee-ball) you might want to go to a nice room. Your options are limited however to that one room with a black light.....and every one is gonna keep popping their head in. Also do not eat the rice krispies, they taste like the flag girls snatch.

the prep party

location: Their rich fucking parents house, and they wont be home for a week. Seriously every preppy person has parents who just do not give a fuck about leaving their kids at home for weeks. Its like they said "fuck it our kid became cool, even if they set the house on fire and die we pretty much still win"

start time: Fucking like 10. When the bands geeks are finishing up the preps are just getting started. I never got this either you got the house for the entire day start earlier but i guess the later it is the cooler it is? The late start time is so they can put on a sephoras worth of make up and spray tan.

end time: These things dont end, some where in wildwood theres still a preppy party going on from 2004.

food: I have no idea, you'd see people with food but never a table or any thing, the kitchen just has a keg in it. The grill will be on but there is no food and just jocks lighting shit on fire. Yet some fucking guy will walk by you with a hoagie. Insane

decorations: Christmas shit, dosent matter what time of the year. They saw clueless and think its cute as balls to have a snowman light up in the yard and every one is gonna go "omg thats so random". Side note, remember when brittany murphys charecter gets in the car with the snowman decoration and its still light up. how the fuck did that work? your driving away and this bitch is still plugged in? fuck.

drug of choice: dude....whatever you fucking want. My god I had preps pegged wrong. Rich kids buy good shit. You think cheerleaders dont blaze.....you're right, they'll look at you like "who the fuck invited frank god damn cline" or maybe im just speaking from experience.....

drink of choice: Miller lite kegs that every girl is gonna fuck up a keg stand on. Also like every absolute flavor you've ever imagined.

the main thing going on at this party: Fights. Just fights. Maybe some beer pong or flip cup.....that results in a fight. OH almost forgot theres gonna be one girl crying and every one will ask whats wrong but shes not gonna fucking tell you and the bitch is gonna take up the nice bathroom ALL NIGHT. so now we gotta use the shitty downstairs one that smells like motor oil.

overall experience: Your gonna get drugged. There is more molly going around here than at a breakfast club themed costume party (ha).  Usually the hottest people of your school will be here and they'll be drunk as hell or high which was always a treat for me. Smoke a jay with the quaterback and have people ask you all night "do you go to school with us?"

the goth party

location: The fucking woods dude....always the god damn woods.

start time: Like three in the god damn morning youd get an invite over aim.

end time: When you wake up in the morning hungover laying on a log.


food: Pocky. like the best god damn junk food you've ever seen. This is why you fucks get acne, stop blaming god.

decoration: Stuffed animal from obscure kids shows.

drug of choice: Soggy ass blunts rolled by a kid named after a sate.

drink of choice: Either a warm brick of natty ice or vodka poured into a gatorade bottle.

the main thing going on at this party: Satan. No not really.....just inappropriate humor. maybe some metal music or something....also for a bunch of devil worshipers they are paranoid as fuck of shit in the woods. 

overall experience: Goth kids are like the olive garden of cliques. When your there your family, youd think theyd hate every one but no....ive seen all types wander into the woods at ungodly hours to drink piss warm beer and smoke out of some wild ass water bong and goths were always happy to see them. They just want to be hugged, adopt one from your local hot topic today!

Dont know how to be creative? Let your good buddy frankie tell ya how!!!

 I remember when fight club first came out and young lads in school were starting up their own fight clubs. Just punching each other with clenched fists and quoting shit like "do you want to die without any scars" or the ever popular "i want you to hit me as hard as you can". Now i like fight club, hell i love fight club, its one of my favorite movies of all time. I love movies, and after watching a movie it may impact me for awhile....but that will eventually fade away. It takes a certain type of person to watch something and then integrate it deeply into their own personality.

Why is it then....that we never see this happen with more elaborate movies? Sure fight club was a great movie but how fucking easy is it to love that movie and then just go punch a friend or start a fight with a stranger in a shopping center? I say if your going to commit, pick something challenging. Below I've compiled a list of movies for you to duplicate that will really really impress the shit out of me.  


1. Titanic.
You want to impress me? Make love to some one out of your social class while an inescapable tragedy is happening around you. If you love a movie enough to almost die while recreating it that'll get my attention. Doesn't even have to be a boat (though bonus points if it is) just as long as you get to have sex with a rich person if your poor or a poor person if your rich while people around you die. Now, understandably being poor and finding a rich person willing to make hot sticky whoopie to you will be reasonably harder than the other way around. Not impossible though just pick one who looks like she gets beaten by her husband.

2. Groundhog day.
Keep living the same day over and over again. Pay special attention to detail, convince other members of your town to play along. Fight clubs are easy, groundhog day clubs are cults. This is the kinda shit people want to see. No one gives a rats ass that you got a black eye, but to make an entire town live September 10th 2001 over and over again would be one hell of a tourist attraction.

3.Clueless
Bang your half brother and tell the black guy from scrubs all about it. Rather easy one but impressive none the less

4. Show Girls.
Have a large portion of people want to see you naked. Then get naked. Once they have seen you naked....make every one kind of forget about it completely. That is the true genius behind the movie show girls. We all wanted to see jessie from saved by the bell get nude but yet we all completely forgot that we saw jessie from saved by the bell get nude. Sure sure the first two rules of fight club are not talking about it but people still did, obviously. Now give a bunch of people exactly what they want and then have them not even talk about it, that is mind blowing.

5. A Christmas Story
Don't be that good but be really really quotable and have millions of people love the shit out of you simply because you shove your self down their throats all day non stop for one day out of the year and have them all call you a tradition even though it only started like what 4 years ago...club

6. The Big Lebowski
Gain a huge fan base but almost all of them don't actually know what your club is about. Maybe its about bowling....or mistaken identity, or.....a rug? Who cares, long as the guy in charge is really cool and a fat guy screams a lot of vulgar nonsense the people will flock.

7. literally any Michael Bay film.
Mr. Bay might get some heat for his films being all about explosions but if you took that formula and put it into a club...sign me the hell up! Explosion club sounds so much better than "get punched in the face club". Reason for explosions....who cares, things are on fire!

8.Up
please please please! Start a club where a bunch of teenagers love it so much they try to duplicate it by tying balloons to their parents house. Fucking please make that a thing. No i don't think it will actually work but the balloon industry has been hurting ever since Obama took office. Lets get the fine people over at the....balloon....factories.....ok fine fine i just want to see teenagers falling out of the sky. So im a bit sadistic, boo hoo.  

9. Star Wars
Create a group, have it loved by millions. Add or change things to the group you started. Ruin it for all the people that loved it. Profit.

10. Madea
Be racist as fuck and have the race that you are insulting love you for it. I mean out of all the hills to climb this is this most impressive. Say the most stereotypical outdated bullshit you can dream up about a group of people....and then have that group of people praise you and throw money at you for it. Actually......thats a horrible idea.....thats so stupid and would never work, i mean it wouldn't work even if you...
wrote a diary
had a family reunion
met...the...browns?
went to jail
did bad all by your self?
had a big happy family, which is much different than just having a family reunion
went into witness protection
or....christmas

So there ya go, ten wonderful clubs based on movies you can start without making chuck palahniuk fucking hate you.



 

Biking Bastard Batsto. Part one

 It was supposed to be just a normal bike trip through the woods. Nothing was supposed to go wrong, the way it was pictured was perfect. However, perfect was the very last thing it was. That cool spring morning would be the last time i viewed this world as a fair and beautiful place. No, perfect bike ride could not have been further from the truth.





 I mounted my 10 speed, cerulean blue, top of the line mountain bike onto the back of my car. I was to meet up with my biking group, who i met offline, at Batsto park. Batsto is a advanced cycling path through the very heart of the pine barrens of New Jersey. Hardly ever used over the silly superstition of the new jersey devil. Of course these were just stories, and i was hardly going to pass up the opportunity to bike this legendary trail. I arrived right on time, and saw the three other members of my group had yet to arrive. Standing in front of my car, pausing for a second to appreciate my appearance in the reflection of the window. Call it vanity, but god damn did i find myself to be pretty.


 The road behind me erupted with the sound of stone and dirt being kicked up by the heavy ford bronco making its way down the road. Its trio of passengers were all friends, having been into biking for a decade now. Their former friend had left the group so when i found them on a mountain biking forum they were all to happy to sign me up. The large SUV pulled along side, and no sooner did it stop then the back door swung open and a short asian man jumped out to greet me. "you must be frank!" he said excitedly. "Im Lee, its great to finally meet you." By then the other two members had already started taking the bikes down, a large man towering over the rest of us and with a bark said "im jerry, give me a hand frank." I went to reach up but before i could an awkward man stopped and screamed "HIGH FIVE WANT SOME OF MY GUMMY BEARS?!" Puzzled i said no thank you, and the man slouched away saddened. lee leaned over and whispered " thats louis, hes um....a little slow. Never used to wear a helmet, took a nasty spill. If he offers you gummy bears just take them."

 I walked over to louis and offered him some of my granola, to show that i wanted to be friends. He responded by smiling and telling me that if we see any jersey devils he'll protect me. I said thank you as i started to gear up. Helmet, knee pads, elbow pads, gloves, you know, the words. The other members snickered a bit as they were only wearing helmets but i didn't care. There was no way i was going to fall off my bike and get hurt. Im many things, but careless is certainly not one of them. Though, in hindsight, none of that really matters. Nothing could of prepared me for what was to come on this hellish adventure into the very heart of jersey devil land.